There are lots of ways you can have fun with those annoying cold callers. Here are some tried and tested methods. Enjoy.
A. Annoy Cold Callers By Wasting Their Time
There’s lots of ways you can waste their time
· Pretend you can’t hear very well and make them repeat each statement several times
· Pretend to be stupid and misunderstand everything they say
· Repeat back to them each thing they say
· Ask their opinion on any soap opera or reality TV series that you watch then regale them with how wonderful the programme is
· Pretend to cry – tell them you’ve broken up with your true love and are heart broken (good for any budding actors) and pour out any anger you’re feeling.
· Pretend you know the caller and invent a whole back story for last time you saw them and refuse to accept that they don’t know you
Any of these tricks are likely to have the caller put down the phone but it depends how well you play your part. So enjoy yourself, be creative and waste their time.
B. Annoy Cold Callers by Being Friendly and Questioning
Caller: Hello. Is that Mr. …..
Me: What do you want? (in a bored ‘heard it all before’ tone of voice)
Caller: My name is Natasha and I’m calling from Lifestyle Choices. I would just like you to help me please with answers to a few questions. It will only take 2 minutes.
Me: (now sounding friendly) So, you’re Natasha and you’re from Lifestyle Choices. Do you do a lot of surveys Natasha?
Caller: If you could just answer a few questions Sir.
Me: Natasha, Do you work for Lifestyle Choices or are you just contracted to them?
Caller: I work for Lifestyle Choices. If you could answer a few questions Sir.
Me: So, Lifestyle Choices – what do they do.
Caller: Can you answer some questions please Sir.
Me: Of course, after you answer my questions. Now, where was I. Oh Yes, I remember. You were going to tell me about Lifestyle Choices.
Good riddance to another cold caller.
C. Confuse the Cold Caller
Cold callers have a script to follow – a set of questions and expected answers.
If you behave unexpectedly – they don’t know what to do and will often give up i.e. put the phone down.
There are endless things you can do to confuse them, such as
1. Keep a take-away menu by the phone and start reading it out – place an order and ignore anything they say – just keep reading it out. E.g. I’d like to order 3 spring rolls followed by the Peking Duck with egg fried rice and 2 portions of crispy noodles and some of that seaweed stuff . Plus … and so on.
2. Say ‘I don’t speak English’ to whatever they ask until they put the phone down.
3. Invent your own religion and try hard to convert them. I’m glad you called today as I have the good news of the 3rd coming of Quixacoatl to tell you about. Now, Quixacoatl created the earth in 5 minutes and he’s due back tomorrow to collect all of the believers. And so on.
4. Say Thank you for calling the PPI hotline – we can get your thousands of pounds back. I just need you name, address and bank details first. You’ll hear the phone slam down
Any unexpected behaviour will do the trick – so confuse them.
D. Annoy Cold Callers By Making Noise
Some people keep a whistle by your phone so when they get a cold caller –they give them a quick blast.
Some people keep a radio near the phone so they can switch on a noisy station, put the phone by the radio and leave it.
If you can do animal impressions – then why not bark loudly or grunt loudly.
You could record a brass band or some other noisy music and play it when the cold caller phones
You could shout “Sorry . I’m a bit deaf, Can you repeat that”
Alternatively, stand back from the phone and have a good scream – that should send them running and will make you feel better.
E. Annoy Cold Callers By Being An Answer Machine
Answer the phone like this:-
All of our operators are busy.
If you would like to leave a message that no-one will listen to then press 1 now
If you would like someone to call you back – fat chance of that, then press 2 now
If you would like to waste more of your time then press 3 now repeatedly.
And so on.
They always put the phone down quickly